Nov15
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The Crash Dump Archives
Crash Kelly aka Crash Connell
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Nov09
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I’m a documentary freak… science, history, biographies, how-to’s… I rarely enjoy any other TV programming in my free time. While watching “Most of Our Universe is Missing” tonight on the Science channel, I couldn’t let go of something one of the guests said. I had to blog it. As far as I’m concerned, it’s an absolute:
“The greatest obstacle to progress is the illusion of knowledge; the illusion that we know everything that is going on, when we don’t.
Prof. Mike Disney, Cardiff University
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Nov01
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Eleven years ago I met Brett Favre back stage at the Tim McGraw concert in Green Bay. To my surprise, he came up to ME first. He said “Been dying to meet you… love your show… I listen to it all the time.” And he excitedly shook my hand.
All I could do was stare at my hand.
Any chance we had a chance to meet and talk in public after that, he was always gracious and fun to chat with.
Before I moved back to Texas in the summer of ’99, we exchanged addresses. We sent back Christmas cards, but that was about it. I’m actually the one who lost touch with all the changes going on in my personal life. Plus, I didn’t want to be a bother. 🙂 He’d become a movie star. 😀 (Something About Mary).
Today, Brett returns to his former home turf to play as a Viking. I moved back to NE Wisconsin over the summer. I was amazed on the polarity in the area of our former Super Bowl hero. All I could remember was how he put the Packers back on the map during my brief stay in Wisconsin in the 90s.
My father-in-law (a long time Packers fan) has gone completely Vikings now. My next door neighbor has removed the number 4 from his vocabulary (he’s in his early 60s).
Brett made a positive impact in my personal life so I’m still a fan. He’s done NOTHING to personally injure me or my family, so that’s my stance.
And I admire that he’s still ‘in the game’. I miss radio. A lot. Perhaps changing your mind about retiring from something you love isn’t so dumb after all.
Seeing him back in Green Bay on the field again, wearing that #4 PURPLE JERSEY is like watching an ex-girlfriend drive over a cliff in my favorite truck.
Mixed emotions.
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Oct26
>It’s no big secret, I support my acting/comedy habit as a part-time Aflac agent (@ACGwi). So far 9 years now. It’s rewarding. I get to meet new people, and help ’em get money when they need it most. With the permission of a recent policyholder, I wanted to share the following:
(edited for privacy / graphic content warning)
Dear AFLAC agent,
I am requesting an accident policy claim check! Please find a narrative because the space that you gave me to explain “what happened” will not contain all I want to say on your online claim form. I don’t remember my policy number anymore, I hope that doesn’t matter.
Anyway. Please read the whole thing.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me; I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long round rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all. Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still……….
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body.
My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.
Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower was fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time.
I beg to differ…..
Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second!
It was a “Matrix” kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times.
It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I’m about 30 minutes, (maybe 2 seconds), into holding onto the fence wire.
My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences … but Dad always had that piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kind of tickled. This one I could not let go of.
The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perm damp Ark-La-Tex River bottom soil.
At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
‘Damn!’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think ‘Oh God please die … Pleeeeaze die’…
But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, and standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me.
God did not take me that day … he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire … I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas.
It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it.
I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1. Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2. I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3. Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4. My left eye will not open.
5. My right eye will not close.
6. The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7. My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8. I can turn on the TV in the game Room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
What other information do you require to send the check?
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Oct19
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If you peruse my blog, you don’t read me griping too much, but when I do, it’s USUALLY about poor quality merchandise or poor customer service. I’m a fanatic about it in by business model (see @ACGwi on Twitter). And numerous posts throughout my blog.
And if we ordinary Americans can not get any sort of satisfaction through social media, then I feel we’re not getting ‘all it’s benefits’. Pray that Party America doesn’t have a Twitter account. heh heh heh heh
Humans treating other humans badly, for the sake of money … there is no excuse for it.
“If there were no return policy, there would be chaos.” “Circuit City had no-questions-asked return policy, look where it got THEM.” “You can’t expect us to police EVERY ONE of our employees, can you?” “Not everyone who returns merchandise is doing it for reasonable reasons.” “I’m just following company policy…”
Frankly, I don’t know how companies like Toys-R-Us, Office Depot, Best Buy, T-Mobile, or State Farm stay in business. I guess it’s a numbers game… make more customers happier than you piss off?
No, that’s not entirely true, I do know why. We give up to easily, we’ve grown accustomed to it. And we have a short attention span, we’ve learned to move on. The cost of recourse feels like it’s not worth it. Waste of energy. Big guys vs. small guys, etc.
Sorry. An irascible rant…
Party America, in Appleton, Wisconsin.
Our insurance carrier held a big rah-rah meeting on the 10th and the Paper Valley Hotel in Appleton, it was also a Halloween costume celebration after all the ‘business events’. Naturally, attempting to be a team player, I went out searching for a costume. Nothing too flashy or cute… believe it or not, it was my first impression with most attending, so I wanted to be more subtle.. “the real me actually takes time to blossom in live crowds”. 🙂
I found a costume that sorta “fits me”. A 60’s hippie costume. Log haired wig, cool psychedelic headband, round rose colored sun glasses, Peace symbol necklace, tie die shirt, and long striped bell bottom pants (ala Sonny Bono). There, simple. And me. A child of the 60’s.
I left my costume out in the parking garage in the van. When it came to change into costumes, I went outside to get the costume. It was lightly snowing, and in the upper 20s. I IMMEDIATELY changed my mind since it was ‘costume optional’.! Too damn cold to change clothes and the costume was thin material. Thankfully, a handful of other party-poopers opted out, too. We had fun, it rocked, we went home.
Fast forward to tonight.
Let’s take back the unopened costume (still in the bag). I stayed home, my bride had other errands to run, she made the original purchase.. she was on her way.
She came home later with “They don’t accept exchanges without a receipt.” Only in-store credit. Yeah, yeah, it’s on the receipt.
My wife is wonderful. She can be a junk yard dog… but only if it’s with me! Not with others unfortunately. So I’m going back tomorrow and do it myself. And I’ll have tonight to get most of the frustration out. Here. On my blog.
I really don’t care what your company return policy is. You can hang it on signs, post it on your website, recite it to me at the register, make me sign a contract, I honestly am NOT interested in what your corporate attorneys decided is best use of company resources… because:
You sold it to me, you’re responsible for it. I bought it from you, YOU are accountable. Not your ‘next up’ manager, not your territory director, not your CEO, YOU!!! That’s MY business model, therefore it’s YOURS, too.
If you’re a CEO and any single employee is NOT representing the brand and mission you’re ‘selling’ to your investors’, then why are they still on the payroll? I’m not expecting perfection, I’m expecting the golden rule!
If Circuit City can take back a Toshiba HD-DVD player that I purchased EIGHT months earlier for $600 because it’s practically worthless now (http://bit.ly/Td0FA) and give me a $600 gift card on the spot SIX MONTHS LATER, NO PAPER RECEIPT… then YOU CAN, TOO! And don’t tell me that’s a bad example because they’re out of business….that’s not why they’re out of business… the CEO said it himself, “We fired our knowledgeable, veteran sales team and replaced them with minimum wage kids.” See: http://bit.ly/3rEHfK
Tonight: My wife had to wait 20 minutes before the ‘ONLY EMPLOYEE’ who’s allowed to ‘make exchanges’ was finished eating supper in the break room.
Tip: If you’re the only employee that’s allowed to do a specific task, hire another employee that can do it and is authorized to do it when you’re on break. There, that was free.
Here’s what the 20 year old employee told me wife. I have absolutely no issues with 20 year olds. My favorite daughter is 20. And I’M POSITIVE she wouldn’t do this or say this to a customer, because I know my daughter. Unfortunately, a majority of kids her age aren’t working in retail because they care about customers. Or for the company that’s paying them.
SO, here’s what the 20 year old employee told her.
Keep in mind, this is a costume store.
Keep in mind, this is on their website, career opportunities page, my edits in [ ].
Bring Your Own:
* Love of selling and balloons … [OK, I ADMIT BALLOONS DO MAKE ME HAPPY]
* Passionate commitment to outrageous customer service … [CLEVER WORDING, I WOULD DEFINITELY SAY IT’S OUTRAGEOUS.. I AM OUTRAGED!]
* High energy and enthusiasm … [ABOUT TXT-ING UNDER THE COUNTER AT WORK WHILE FEIGNING INTEREST IN ANYONE AROUND YOU]
* Do What It Takes attitude … [TO PROTECT EVERY DOLLAR THAT’S STILL IN THE STORE]
* Desire to create a fun environment for everyone … [WHEN YOU’RE NOT ON THE CLOCK]
* Creativity … [CAN YOU B.S. YOUR WAY OUT OF ANY SITUATION THAT MAY COST THE COMPANY $50 OR MORE?]
* Very best to the party every day … [THAT YOU’RE NOT ON THE WORK SCHEDULE]
The employee, hired on the above criteria said: “Without a receipt, we can only give you an in-store credit.” Arms folded. Silence.
My thoughts, not my wife’s: That would be a reasonable policy I suppose, if it were a grocery store. I’m sure we’ll be eating again soon. It would be fine if it was a clothing store… we make it a habit to wear clothes. Often. It would be fine if it were a drug store. I’m sure we’ll need Q-tips and tampons again soon. BUT IT’S A FARKIN’ COSTUME STORE!
I take 70% fault for this, by the way. I honestly knew before my wife left to ask her to check if she had the receipt, but I pick my battles. If I would have brought it up, she would have probably yelled at me for treating her like a kid and made ME DO IT. 😀
Man, do I digress a lot. Are you getting this camera guy?
My wife, sweet and non-confrontational with people she doesn’t know well, said, “OK, I’ll drive back home, 15 miles away and come back with it.” That’s passive aggressive for: “I know I have a receipt, are you really going to be petty enough to accuse me of lying over $60 of YOUR unopened merchandise in one of YOUR STORE BAGS?”
Love the employees response: “Thanks for understanding. I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do.” I guess there was either a camera and microphone on her, wired to their corporate profit and loss department or there’s employee bonuses for turning in other employees who don’t finish their dinner first before refusing refunds.
Yes. We do have receipt. Yes, I will return the merchandise myself tomorrow. Yes, I will get my money back. YES, I will tell anyone that will listen to me about the inexcusable (former) customer service at Party America. And if you agree that bad customer service is viral and somehow I’ve swayed you not to shop there again, please don’t tell me, TELL THEM : http://bit.ly/3Ix9do.
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